Fan Mail
by Gamest Link
Summary: The cast of Halo read their fan mail aloud. Some funny stuff and I’m bad with summaries. Just read. Rated for language. and RedvsBlue on CH2 Compl. For now
1. Default Chapter

Disclaimer: I do not own Halo and I was bored out of my mind when I wrote this. I don't own any names however I do own the pointless plot and the letter type of stuff.

I've just recently made a few corrections, hope it didn't take the humor out of it.

Fan Mail

Dear Arbiter,

I'm your biggest fan, I like the way you are. My fellow humans suck including the males. Any chance of going out with a hotty like you anytime soon?

Love,

Your Secret Admirer

"I didn't know that humans can be so shallow," Said the Arbiter, "this person obviously doesn't me at all. How can they say, 'I like you the way you are?'"

"It's fan mail." Miranda Keyes tried to explain, "They don't have to know you they just write to who ever they like."

"Secret Admirer?" Flips the envelope, "Ha! If they're so secret then why did they put their name on the envelope? What kind of a name is Releena Peacecraft?"

"Hey don't insult the girl!" She picked a letter out of her own pile of letters.

"Then what does yours say?" The Arbiter walked over and read over her shoulder.

Dear Miranda Keyes, or Commander:

I think you've done a really nice job on Halo 2, it sucks though that they gave you a tiny ship. And I have a few questions for you. Are you attracted to the Master Chief? Because I heard your voice go really flirty when you thanked him. Is Captain Jacob Keyes really your father? Because the two of you look nothing alike. I think you and Johnson would make a better couple, what do you think?"

Can I get a picture of you like aiming a rocket launcher at the Arbiter? 'Cause that would be so cool! I know my letter is short but I'd really appreciate it if you could answer back.

Sincerely,

Jack O'Neill

P.S. Can the picture be a poster size with your autograph?

"I've always wondered about you and Johnson." Said Arbiter.

"Yeah, so have I," Captain Keyes startled the two.

Miranda turned in her chair, "oh Dad you scared us! It's nothing to worry about I am serious about my job."

"You better be, or I'll have Johnson reassigned."

Johnson is sitting in one of the chairs and takes out his cigar, "what? No offense Captain but your Daughter's Navy." And continues reading.

"So that's not good enough for you?" Captain Keyes raised his voice.

"What'd you get in your fan mail?" Johnson quickly changed the subject.

"Oh," He looked at the letter in his hand, "Well… this person sent candy"

Dear Captain Keyes,

I thought you were kind of funny oh the first Halo game. You were like the best one on there it's a shame they killed you off by the flood. If anything Johnson should've died-

Johnson choked, "What the?"

-rather than you. It must have been a lot of fun to boss the Master Chief around. He seems to make a pretty good body guard especially whey your own marines kill you in Legendary.

I was wondering if you and I could get together later and…-

"I'll stop there."

"Dad you didn't read the whole thing!" Miranda whined.

"There's no need to."

"I want to know what they said." Said Arbiter sort of turning his neck to read.

Captain Keyes folded it up, "Hey come on." Miranda pleaded innocently, "Since it's your favorite one," She snatched it running from her seat. "KEEP AWAY!"

"All right!" Tarturus and Johnson joined in.

"MIRANDA GIVE ME BACK THAT LETTER OR YOUR GROUNDED!"

Just then Master Chief walks in and snatched it form the air.

"Chief give me that letter." A gloved hand held him back by the forehead as the Chief read.

-and count each other's battle scars. I can't wait to tell you how I got the one on my lower back. So whenever you can ditch Mrs. Keyes I'll be waiting for you in my sexy red lace outfit. Or your letter at least.

Seductively yours,

Lara Croft

Everyone stood or sat there confused then broke into laughter except for Johnson. The chief shoved the letter back to Keyes heading to his seat.

"I should've died?" Johnson sat down, "Ha! That lady can just kiss my ass!"

"Yeah," Said Cortana, "I bet you would've liked that, my turn to share." A holographic paper appears in her hand.

Dear Cortana,

You are like the best. The Master Chief would be a molten pile of metal without you. I hated the flood and the Library, 343 Guilty Sparks an asshole-

"Hey!" Guilty Spark floated to Cortana, "I am an Artificial Intelligence, not an area designated for thedisposal of human waste!"

"Oh shut up! The fan wrote it, I'm just reading it. Any way you just defined a toilet."

"Whatever… He will certainly get-" Cortana slapped him.

"Let me finish!"

-I mean come on! All he does is float around and hum that stupid song. So glad to get you back. If you were real I'd give you a big wet one. Would you be able to feel it if I kissed the Chief's armor? Or would he kill me if I even got close? Any way I'll have to send another letter to Bungie thanking them for creating you. Oh and they were geniuses in making your hair longer, or was that your idea? Either way I like it. I've been typing so fast I need to give my wrists a rest. Plus I've been typing all day.

I wish you were real, all the things we could talk about, and I'm not your average nerd. I'm next in line for capsule corp. I take it that right now you and the Chief are probably in the middle of a war zone or something so I'll let you go.

Sincerely yours,

Trunks Brief

"And you people think yours are insane. Well I guess I'll send Trunks a nice little response, wishing I were human so I could date the future CEO of Capsule Corp."

"You're really going to do that?" Master Chief asked.

"No!"

"Oo!" 343 Guilty Spark, "Me next! Me next!"

"Hurry up all ready" Johnson was getting impatient. Guilty Spark floated to Johnson with the letter in tow. "What?"

"Please forgive me but I am unable to open the letter on my own. Will you do the honors?"

"Why me?"

"Because." Cleared his non-existent throat, "you practically destroyed Tarturus, with little help from the Arbiter."

"Well," Johnson gave in, "all right," and opened the letter tossing it in the air.

Dear 343Guilty Spark,

You are like one of the funniest characters in the game. I keep playing the library so I can here you funny voice. Think you could get those floating thingies to stop shooting me, because they keep killing me and I don't like it. By the way are you a good guy or a bad guy, I still can't tell. Oh well I like you anyway. Was Johnson heavy? How come he called you a light bulb? I'm curious about something, what's a forerunner? I'm only 7 years old I don't know what that is. Sorry I couldn't really write you a letter, but I love computers and Word Document. Even though you busy and all I wish you come over for my Birthday. If you can't then that's o.k. I'd like a toy that looks like you. Well my mommy's calling me for dinner, bye.

Your Friend,

Ralph Wiggum

P.S. My computer likes cheese.

343 Guilty Spark started Trembling, everyone else looked around a bit worried. Then Tarturus whacked him.

"Oh my," looks up at the ceiling, "is it raining in here?" The letter plastered itself onto Guilty Spark, "Oh finally! I have a friend!" He bounced around the room like an idiot hitting a few people.

"What a nerd!" Cortana shook her head, "The equivalent to pressing a letter to your boobs," she looked up, "but you guys wouldn't know that. So who's next?"

"I'll go." Johnson removed the cigar,

Dear Johnson,

Get your lazy ass back home!

"On second thought," Tosses the letter and gets another, "Ah here we go."

Dear Sergeant Johnson,

I'm a big fan of yours. I've played both Halo games and my self and a few others are impressed that you've even survived the flood. I've even read the books, you are indeed a great warrior. It's too bad you are a fictional character, we could've used your help against the Gao'uld.-

"How the hell do you say that?" Johnson read on,

-Forgive me but they remind me of the flood in a lot of ways.

My friends believe I am obsessing over the Xbox game. Too much. Please help me convince them that Bungie is not trying to rule the world through Halo and characters such as your self.

By the way what did that Marine say before you said, "I heard that! Jackass!"

You are my favorite characters hands down.

Sincerely,

Teal'c

"Are you done yet?" Yayap squealed. "I want to read mine!"

"I'm done!" Crumble up an envelope.

"Yeppie!" Yayap excitedly tore open the letter and it was glowing in his hand and his eyes were beaming. Then the crumble bounced off his head, "What? Oh yeah."

Dear Yayap,

You are the cutest in the whole wide galaxy, and a genius in having the Jackals and Grunts check the crates for the flood. I mean come on you even took command of the elites while that 'Zumamee was hiding in the back somewhere. Smart idea picking up the elite to leave the battlefield, I would have never done that.

Those darn elite's picking on you and your kind. You deserve better than that. I hope you enjoy the food I sent with this letter. I looked up a few recipes' I think you might like.

Love,

Peach Toadstool

P.S. It's a pineapple upside down cake.

"CAKE!" Yayap dived into his pile of letters and popped out with a tank, "I found it!"

"Uh Yayap," Said Miranda, "That's a propane tank."

"Oh." Tosses it aside and dives back in.

"Master Chief," Said Captain Keyes, "you haven't read yet."

"Yes I did." Said M.C.

"Not mine you stupid Spartan! I mean your fan mail."

"No thanks. I'll just go last." The chief looked down reading to himself. "What about the elite commander?"

"What?" the commander looked up.

"Why don't you read?" Tarturus asked.

"All right but your reading after I do."

"Ha! Jokes on you all I got was hate mail."

"Your still reading!"

M.C. pulled out a rocket laucher, "Don't make me have to blow the two of you up."

"Fine." Tarturus sat down.

Dear Elite Commander,

Are you and the Arbiter like real buddies and stuff? You're a cool guy and it pissed me off when I saw the Brutes in the Phantoms. I mean you rule, leader of the special ops forces. The other question is what can't you do? It seems like you can do just about anything in the game. I wish I could be an elite, being a human sucks. My pops thinks my friend and I are obsessing over the game. Too bad you couldn't be in the game more. Brutes Suck! Elites Rule!

Sincerely,

Virgil Hawkins

"You're next Tarturus."

"Where is he?" Cortana said and everyone looked around.

"Found him!" Guilty Spark announced. Tarturus fell asleep in the corner twitching like a dog. "Should I wake him?"

"Go for it." Said M.C.

Guilty Spark shocked him awake. "Wha?" Tarturus jumped and clung to the ceiling.

"Hey Mohawk!" Said Johnson, "it's your turn!"

"Oh," Tarturus said rather grimly, "Right" dropped on top of Yayap and headed to his seat.

"Are you all right?" Guilty Spark asked.

"I'm... fine." Yayap climbed out and lied there.

"Here's a good one."

Dear Tarturus,

You are like the coolest bad guy. With all the things happening to me lately I think I kind of like evil. I guess my favorite part was when you threw 343 Guilty Spark at Johnson and knocked him out then activated the ring. Sweet! Can you tell me where you got that hammer at?

You know what would be really cool is if they made an animé about Halo, but it's actually an American made product. Oh well. If you read my letter, great, if you haven't oh well.

Sincerely,

Efrum Brown

"Some kids just need to get a life." Said Tarrturus.

"So do you." Commented Yayap and popped out of his pile with a box. "I found it!" He opened it and again the object he was holding was glowing, his eyes were all watery, "Blessed be this meal!" Yayap squealed and chowed down.

"Master Chief." Miranda called, "Your turn."

Just then Regret floated in.

"You're wasting gas that way!" Said Johnson.

"I am not." Regret stopped at an empty spot at the big round table. "If anything it helps carry all of my fan mail." He pushes an eject button and his chair laid a bag, "Ah. Here's a good one" Regret plucked the letter from the bag.

Dear Regret,

It's too bad you didn't have that big of a role in Halo 2. As much as I enjoyed killing you as the Master Chief I felt bad because with you went the all the knowledge of your culture. Forgive me I have to make this quick, I'm running late for something so here goes. 1. I know you are not real. 2. I hope you can answer no.3. 3. Just from your character what do you know about the Halo Rings? And 4. Can you write back the answers.

My friends believe I am obsessing over the game. Tell them playing Halo 2 is healthy for expanding the mind.

Sincerely,

Dr. Daniel Jackson

P.S. I now some of my friends sent fan mail to a few other characters.

"Is it just me or are they mad? They believe we're not real."

"Uh, big head." Said Cortana. "We're not."

"Then," Regret grasped his head, "my whole existence… MY LIFE IS A LIE!" He tried to run out of the room and tripped on Yayap.

"Oh shut up and have some cake!" Yayap stuffed a hand full in his mouth.

"Chief?" Miranda batted her eyes lashes, "it's your turn."

"All right." The Chief nodded.

"So it's not Johnson!" Captain Keyes yelled.

"Uh Captain I have no interest in your daughter." After that Miranda ran out of the room crying. Again everyone looked around.

"Now you've done it." Johnson said as he lit up another cigar.

Dear Spartan-117, John, Master Chief:

I've had the pleasure of playing Halo and Halo2 even from my part of space. My ship holds and Nintendo Gamecube and an Xbox game consul. I get bored out here in space so I'll often play one of them until I get a distress call.

Getting to the point, you are the best character on the games. Battling the covenant, and flood sounds like so much fun, I think you would be a fun person to hang around with. You have it easy at least you don't have to escape from the bowels or the planet and escape on your space ship… oh never mind, you did something like that on the first Halo. I wish I had you help against space pirates, and I love your shielding technology. I hope we can meet one day.

Sincerely your no. 1 fan,

Samus Aran

P.S. You're quite cute too.

"Excuse me!" Johnson leaned forward, "Samus Aran?"

"Oh yeah, huh?" Master Chief sat back feeling his chin, "She's hot."

"Oh no you don't!" Captain Keyes slapped the back of Chief head, "You're not dating some floozy from Nintendo. You're sticking to the Xbox, and dating Miranda that's an order!"

Master Chief quickly stood up and saluted, "Yes Sir!" and left the room.

"Uh…" Cortana looked puzzled at the captain. "Weren't you trying to avoid that?"

"Huh?" The captain didn't catch that then, "Dammit!" And went after Master Chief.

The End

Not one of my best fic's but it's my first Halo, so be nice on the review.


	2. Pointless Reds and Blues

Fan Mail Chapter 2

Vic: Ok as she said the last time, absolutely pointless, no point, nada, zero, zip. She doesn't own us, some other guys do. Don't know what any of that meant. But in a couple of days you'll be getting some a… Oh here it is, Fan Mail. What you do is read it, gotta keep talking, say pointless stuff, and a… you know do stuff.

Tucker: O…K… with all that chitchat aside, why the hell are we getting Fan Mail?

Vic: Because… Master Chief and the other Halo Characters did it. Now its our turn.

Tucker: So if the whole (quotes with fingers) Halo (stops quote) cast were to jump out an airlock into the vacuum of deep space, then do we have to do that too?

Vic: Master Chief already did that, Private Caboose volunteered. Said that space really hurt after jumping off a cliff instead.

Tucker: Yeah, that sounds like Caboose. Send Church next. But I'm not doing this.

Vic: Why not? Space is a lot of fun. No gravity. Kinda make you want to puke.

Tucker: Didn't need to know that.

Vic: Stomach churning stuff.

Tucker: Ok.

Vic: kinda makes ya dizzy.

Tucker: All right! shut up! and get to the point!

Vic: … … … … … …

Tucker: Uh, Vic? You still there?

Vic: You told me to shut up.

Tucker: Yeah and I told you to get to the point, too.

Vic: Oh yeah, right. What was that again?

Tucker: (Growls in irritation) You were talking about Fan Mail.

Vic: The author got too many reviews. Bunch of nice people. Wanted more. Boy are they going to be disappointed.

Tucker: I don't want to read. I did all that shit back in high school. Tell that stupid author cockbite to go to hell.

Vic: Sure thing. I'll be sure to tell her that.

Tucker: Her! You mean the authors a chick!

Vic: Yeah, I mentioned that in the beginning. You're apparently the favorite.

Tucker: (gets happy) Really?

Vic: Sure that's why I'm talking to you. Oh no, wait. Church is the favorite, your… your third favorite.

Tucker: WHAT! Damn! Then whose second?

Vic: Private Caboose.

Church walks up to Tucker: So what is command sending Tucker?

Tucker: Aw nothing. Just a bunch of Fan mail and stuff. (mumbles) Stupid btch make me third.

Church: What? Fan Mail? (laughs) You just found out you're the forth favorite!

Tucker: Forth? Alright that's it where's that cockbite! (readies assault riffle.)

Church: So when's it coming?

Tucker: How the hell should I know?

Church: Dude, your on the line with Command! And if you haven't noticed you're the only one with head set that can hack into other peoples transmissions!

Tucker: I don't get it. Why am I the one talking to command? Isn't that your job.

Church: You know what Tucker… I'm getting really tired of your attitude, (pulls out a rocket launcher) get all the details or I pull.

Tucker: Pull what?

Church: Fine, squeezing the trigger!

Tucker: Not again… (sighs) fine. Ok Vic. When is the Mail coming in?

Vic: Your mail or the fan mail?

Tucker: (turns to Church) I hate you.

Vic: Gee, well maybe I don't like you either.

Tucker: No, not you.

Church: You don't hate me?

Tucker: No, I really hate you.

Vic: So you do hate me. Well then you suck!

Church: Well that's good to know.

Tucker: AH! (yelling) Will the both of you please just shut up for one second!

Church: Think the authoress got our characters confused?

Vic: Yeah it seems like she messed up big time.

Tucker: OK. (pulls out a rocket launcher and shoots Church with it. Peace and quiet at last) That's for shooting me at the end of season two you butt-munch!

Church: (Lying on the ground) Butt… Munch? What have… you been reading? Hrrrr-Blah!

Tucker: Finally. Vic, when are we getting the Fan Mail in?

Vic: (blinks) Dude… you just shot you own guy.

Tucker: (shrugs) Yeah. I know. Fan Mail?

Vic: Oh! On the next drop.

Tucker: That'll be?

Vic: Oh hey! It's there now! Well have fun and please quit killing your teammates. Hate to have to send Wyoming.

Tucker: Ok Thanks.

Church's Ghost: What the Hell is that?

Everyone looks up at a Longsword flyby and watch it land in the middle of the box canyon.

Church's Ghost: Hey Tucker, did you get an idea on who would be dropping this stuff off like Red or Blue command?

Tucker: Nope.

Church's Ghost: (turns to his body) You know I'm going to get even eventually, right?

Tucker: That's if you can get another body.

Church's Ghost: Oy. Lets go.

Down in the middle of Blood Gulch.

Sarge: Great Caesar's Toast! What in Grif's corpse is that!

Grif: Hey, I'm still alive!

Sarge: Oh right. What in Church's corpse is that!

Donut: Looks like a big scary dragon ready to devour and eat the Princess.

Grif: Isn't Devour and Eat the same thing?

Simmons: Yeah and what Princess?

Donut: the Princess living in the sky!

Caboose: No… looks more like that thing that bit me in the pond.

Tex: Is it me or is this fic getting completely off the subject?

Long sword finally lands.

Church's Ghost: Great! We have no idea on who is delivering.

Doc: Why should it matter? I think we should accept this new comer with open arms. /O'mally: …And see if his head pops off! Mwhahahahahaaa. (cough)

Everyone is staring at Doc.

Caboose: I wanna give him a hug first.

Lopez: _Yo quero taco bell._

Sheila: Can I shoot him?

Church: No Sheila!

The Longsword door opens and smoke comes out and a lone Spartan figure is standing in the middle.

Tex: Whoa! No way!

Church's Ghost: Tex is impressed? That can't be good.

Figure slowly walks down becoming more visible.

Tex: Master chief.

MC: Sorry it took so long. (turns to Church) What happened to you?

Church's Ghost: (looks down at him self) Oh that. Um, yeah, I decided to lose a few pounds and get rid of my body in the process. WHAT THE FCK DO YOU THINK HAPPENED? GOT KILLED BY MY OWN TEAMMATES!

Everyone turns to Caboose.

MC: Try a continue?

Everyone turns to Church's Ghost. Church's Ghost looks down at the ground.

Church's Ghost: No. (looks back up) Think I'll try it now.

Beep beep boop.

Church: Hey Tucker.

Tucker: AW CRAP!

Tuckers blown away by the Rocket launcher.

MC: (shakes his head at the sight) Well anyway I brought your Fan Mail and a few guests from season three.

Red Zealot: (Walks out of the ship) Finally a new level! (kneels) Oh flag I will not fail you again!

MC: Move it!

Red Zealot: Yes master! (runs off next to Sarge)

Wyoming is next off.

Tucker: AH! (hides behind Tex)

Church: how the Hell did you get back so quick?

Tucker: The continue.

Wyoming: Oh don't wurry Tucker. I'm nut going to kill you. Just torture you for a while.

Tucker: Is that a good thing or a bad thing?

Wyoming gets off the ship and Captain Flowers appears.

Capt. Flowers: It's good to see all your nice smiling happy faces again. (Chuckles)

MC: Sir?

Cappie: Yes?

MC: Off the ship.

Cappie: Oh right. (runs off next to Tucker wearing the same color armor.) Tucker when did your armor color change?

Tucker: Uh…

Church: Some time after your death he ripped off your armor and took it.

Cappie: It's nice to see my armor didn't go to waste.

Church: WHAT? YOUR NOT GUNNA- (Church's body fell)

Sarge: Good one! That'll keep'em quite for a while.

MC: (holding a smoking sniper rifle) also brought a stress kit for both sides.

Church: (runs up) Ok that wasn't funny.

MC: I'll do it again and make it funny.

Donut: (whining) Where are our letters?

MC: Still on the ship. I'll get them down after all of them get off.

Gary: (the whole computer station rolls out on wheels) How are you? I'm back you shiznos hahaha.

Andy: (from inside the ship) Little help here, or I'll explode.

Caboose: Andy! (runs inside getting Andy off the Ship.) It's nice to see you again.

Andy: Hi Caboose. Could you put me down?

Caboose dropped Andy.

MC: Question. Did you just use up this whole Chapter preparing for the fan mail?

Simmons: They did. We hardly got a part in this.

Church: Uh, yeah then. I guess we did.

!#$&()

Vic: That was me. I did the Disclaimer so uh, please don't sue.

Me: Ok shut up Vic. I didn't really like the ending to this Chapter so if anybody would like to review, and give a better idea for the ending, and on who would write these guys, it would be greatly appreciated. My grammar sucks.

Tucker: (with fuel rod cannon) There you are cockbite!

Me: Uh-oh!


End file.
